Merry belated Christmas dudes and pervs

Octopussy

Seriously ladies. Get a god damn vibrator. It's one thing to put an inanimate object in there, but this is straight up bestiality. I pretty much try and stay away from the whole "chick fucks dog" or "sex with horse" stuff, but it would appear as though this one makes the exception. Why? IT'S OCTOPUS PENETRATION. Is that her boyfriend then slapping it back on top of her? Did they have some agreement that after her vag shot it out he should put it on her body again? What the hell? I'm sure there's a perfectly good penis behind that camera you crazy nutbag.

Strike? Spare?

Fuck a bowling pin!

My problem with this particular video is not that the woman is masturbating with a bowling pin, then swaps to a black dildo, or that I think she's German, or that she's so boob-less her nipples are the only thing to hide under a bra.... I think at some point she may've been a dude.

For the record, I have absolutely no issue with pre, or post-op transvestites. But this woman is more unattractive than any transvestite, and good god woman don't get naked in front of a camera!

If you're looking to masturbate, this next video, while related, is from Youtube and therefore not terribly pornographic, unless you're a bowling pin... but I was entertained.

There's a few other videos out there with bowlings pins, but they're either kind of boring, or "HOLY CRAP YOU FIT *WHAT* IN YOUR ASS?!" videos, so I don't really suggest them.
Pft. I might as well be a porno review site. Anyway... I had no idea bowling pins were so large. How the hell does one acquire those to penetrate anyway? Not like I'm going to use this information for myself or anything.

Talkers are lame

Not only does she look extremely happy... she looks like she's talking a mile a minute.

Imagine if these bottles broke while in use...

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Wet riffs

More sexy guitar pictures that are more humorous than probably intended. Thank you Lucas for introducing me to Wet Riffs.

Like a record baby

Trying explaining a broken urethra after this little stunt.

Speaking of urethra's: there's a lot wrong with a 9 year old rapping about it with her family in the car. This is on youtube and therefore work safe. I wonder how much rehearsal went into this.

Do you like the taste of your own snot?

Ladies, have you ever gone down on a guy while you have a cold, only to later realize all the snot pour of of your nose and you started to rub it on his dick? No? Well... please don't record it if it happens. That's fucking disgusting.

I wonder if he got off...

Guitar Sex... or not.

So I saw this awful thing:
My favorite comment is: "Don't fret, it's a female guitar with a strap-on whammy bar"

The song doesn't have words and isn't that great. Either way, that video isn't the point. It prompted me to look up some guitar sex.

Then there was this video of Tila Tequila having some sexy photoshoot with a guitar.... you know it's classy because of the Playboy bunny bellybotton ring, which, by the way, I haven't seen anywhere in around 10 years.

After not being able to find anything, I gave up on sex with a guitar and found this super awesome sex hair. Thank you Japan! The perverted half of my mind loves you long time.

Barbie sex

Now there are many things that may come to mind when thinking of barbie ses. Here are a few that may've crossed your mind:
1) Barbie dolls doing it?
Totally one of them.

This one may not play unless you're signed into youtube.

2)Sex with a girl named Barbie, or a girl they find so attractive they're referring to her as a Barbie?
Yeah, although it's not a very interesting concept (and this video comes with salad tossing. I feel as though Ken would not approve).

3)Sex with a barbie doll?
Definitely! I mean, not quite a "sex toy" but close enough I guess.

4)A montage of sex with a blowup doll to the Aqua song 'Barbie Girl'?
That's a little specific... and odd.

Image source: rubberron.net

5)Cookie Monster having sex with a Barbie Doll?
Um. What?

Nothing inspires me to dance like people doing it!

"My favorite thing to do is drive STICK!"

This girl sounds dumber than a sack of bricks. I have a few questions:
A) Who thinks of this to begin with?
B) She drunk?
C) Who the fuck is filming this??

I guess any of those could be said about any of the videos on here. I would not want to drive the car after that. Although I would laugh if it was a rental.

And here's another. Perhaps there's something wrong with me and never wanting to sex with parts of my car... maybe.
This girl screws her e-brake and her stickshift. Awesome! Don't watch beyond the 7th minute though, unless you're into pissing in porn. Also: her boobs are droopy and scare me.

I guess she didn't have one of those detachable shower heads

If Oreck advertised their vacuum cleaners like this, I would totally invest in their stock.

Side note: Thank god women started shaving.

I know what I want for Christmas!

My first thought was, "....is that Jesus?"

You can order it at Amazon.com :D

Purple/Green Martians with Ron Jeremy as President Bushwacker

I was fortunate to stumble across this multi-video movie and I want to share it.
Why fortunate?
Well people in dumb costumes and body paint is obviously my favorite. This also includes a mad scientist with a nose ring, a midget (I scrolled through that part, so I'm not sure, but I'm pretty certain the midget doesn't get any action), the girls aren't severely ugly, goofy running around... and did I mention Ron Jeremy is President of the United States? There is absolutely no reason not to watch these.

It begins with a flying saucer hovering over the Hollywood sign, and two naked chicks are speaking in their own language about trying to find the perfect male specimen... Then comedy ensues.

Sorry I couldn't embed anything.

Image source: youporn.com

In honor of the MLB playoffs....

I would not want to be the dude who has sloppy seconds from a baseball bat.

Fire in her ass

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Snow White

It's got costumes and midgets!! Sorry it's not in English, but it's Snow White and the 7 Dwarves, porno style.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Alice in Wonderland

This is too amazing not to share as soon as I found it.
It's 1970s delish, it looks like.
It has singing
It has dancing
It has fucking
(sometimes all at once)
It also takes an old favorite and ruins it forever.

Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Comedy.

You'd think this was a japanese game show

But just Japanese subtitles. This makes me think of American Gladiators, but with sucking dick. Really. Just look at them there red, white, and blue leotards. Fancy American pride. Unfortunately I'm not entirely sure of everything they're saying except for, "And they're off... *something* *something* ... seeing which dick is real".

Anyway, dick sucking:

Now I'm in your ass.

If I was this chick I would either throw him off, or defecate on him.

So great, there was a song made about it.

Teddy on lola action

I have NO idea who's filming this, but it looks like a very uncomfortable scene between an underage girl (which she's not) and her uncle behind the camera. I don't know about you, but I've never had the urge to strap a dildo to a stuffed animal and ride it. However, it seems to have worked for her, so... more power to her?

What big eyes you have!

Yup. Destroying childhood fairy tales. Porn is great at that. I'm sure I will have many, many more of these, but first: Little Red Riding Hood porn. Technically costumes, because the big bad wolf is in each of these, and he always wears the mask. Way to go lady: Screw the guy who ate your grandmother. There's a little bit of: Girl in woods meets wolf and they get it on. There's more of: Girl buys cheap costume around Halloween and dances in front of dudes with paper masks on in the bedroom. That doesn't cut it for me. Go out in the woods damnit.

 

Ah sweet. Shemale little red riding hood!

 

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Aaaannnnddddd Little Red Riding Hood Sex Ed. Note: This is not pornographic. Sorry pervs.

I found this video, and decriction at Videosift

A multi-award-winning and darkly hilarious Tarantino-meets-brothers-Grimm-style short film about how the age-old fairy tale is actually all about sex ed.

Five mobsters sit in a diner and pass the time between jobs by talking about the ways of the world. One of them suddenly suggests that the story of "Little Red Riding Hood" is actually a morality tale about sex-education. When the others don't believe him, he retells the story as it was meant to be told.

This movie has been voluntarily rated R-16 for foul language and horror-violence.

BIG BAD WOLVES from Rajneel Singh on Vimeo.

Monster dick. No, really.

No, not that kind of monster dick. I mean like a monsters dick. Many of them. One the same monster. While the movie was available to be embedded, since I'm html retarded I couldn't prevent it from starting immediately, so I'll just link it instead to a page where it *does* start immediately.

I do believe you can hear the director talking a few times, or it's the monster speaking perfectly dirty english.

Multi-dick monster

Image source: Photosex.biz

Toast sex

Very tame, but, I mean, it's toast... what do you expect?

Don't get any wild ideas ICP- you're better off clothed.

Ignore StopClownPornNow.org. They suck and I'm pretty sure it's run by feminists. This isn't the 70s you douchebags. Of course the webpage could just be one giant trolling.

Here is on example of clown porn. In fact it's from a movie called Clown Porn.

Image source: Acmoviepass.com

The first scene is your average story of a girl who can't sleep, and when she pulls out her dildo she turns to see clowns in her room. Naturally she invites them to sleep with her and says she'll only scream when she's cumming - cue the funk music! The only realistic thing about this video are the guys dicks. I think they're kind of... un-girthy for porn, but completely normal for any guy. Their make up even comes off a bit on her body. My favorite part is the rubber chicken making an appearance for "chicken cam", and the guy in the rainbow wig giving the camera a thumbs up. Don't forget about the grand finale hot cream on her face, and no, I'm not talking about the money shot. I skipped through the rest of it.

Here's movie in it's entirety, almost 90 minutes long.

Japan Fuck 1 Grand Prix Championship

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Bigfoot porn

What a disappointment. I'm clearly all about weird costume porn concepts, and this was a let down. I don't know what I was expecting, but the video is so tame the only real "sex" part reveals her butt, and lasts less than 5 minutes. Towards the end of the 15 minute waste of film, after Bigfoot is finished with the woman, and after he friends *then* try to ward him off, you can see a distance shot of boobs and hairy snatch (gotta lot 70s porn) but the film quality is such crap it doesn't matter.

And to save you from going to big foot porn I'll just say this: The website has one picture. One. Here it is:
Image source: Themountaincabin.wordpress.com

No, I cannot get it to show more than that. I've saved you time and possibly having to explain to your roommates/mother why you were at that website to begin with. You're welcome.

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Now we have Ape Canyon. More Bigfoot sex. Basically a rape comedy, and who doesn't love those, right?! Although I hardly feel it's rape since the woman seems to enjoy it. She even reads him poetry, or some bullcrap. In the trailer she sounds pretty into it, so that's a plus. I would totally watch this with some friends, a 24 pack, and some pizza if we were having a bad movie marathon, which I've done before. Anyway, here's the trailer:

All in all, despite being costumed, I've decided Bigfoot porn just isn't worth it as far as dirty movies go. I'd hardly even call it "furry porn".

Fangbang

About a year ago a guy I was dating had roommates who were really into True Blood. When I was younger I saw the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie, but that was really the extent of my vampire plot watching. Well said roommates gave me season 2, but I'd never seen season 1 so I downloaded it. It's been sitting on my computer this whole time, and I don't like to delete videos without watching them. Long story longer, yesterday I finished up True Blood season 1. Therefore, this morning I thought, "There's GOT to be vampire porn. Vampire shows are all about blood and sex and love and all sorts of creepy people are into that stuff.

By the way, don't get me started on the fact the Rogue from the Xmen movies are getting naked on tv. I can't wrap my head around it.

I don't think I can properly discuss vampire porn with plugging Vampire Erotica.

That site has links to movies you can purchase, most of which seem to be parodies on real movies/shows (as the porn industry does so often). One title that caught my mind was... wait for it... Ejacula!! I was then determined to find a stream of this online!
Not without paying for it though. The title is probably the only good part.

Did anyone avidly watch Friends when they were younger? Do you recall Phoebe Bufee's twin sister being in a porno called "Bufee the Vampire Layer"? It does not come as a surprise that there is a porno with a similar name.

Muffy The Vampire Layer
Complete with plot, bad acting, and low budget, horray! (Try as I might, I just couldn't get it to embed correctly).

Sitophilia

Searching "food porn" will bring up food that looks so good it may as well be orgasmic.

Image source: Foodporn.com

Sure, food is great, but this isn't a food blog fatties... despite the previous post about Cooking with Sperm, or the Testicle Cookbook...

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Then I tried "Sex With Food". Well that was certainly foolish. For a split second I completely forgot that any edible item even slightly phallic shaped had been a vagina or asshole somewhere. While I was looking for something more disturbing, I'll bring up this Sex With Food anyway. Guys- what do you do with a pickle after your girlfriend has wriggled that thing raw? Throw it away? Well then you're just wasting food, and why the fuck couldn't you do the same thing with your dick, dildo, fingers, fist, or forearm? (if you can go deeper than that with an unlisted body part, please let me know).

There's a lot of these videos out here, but I just chose one at random for the sake of having an example. Pay no attention to the the dog in the background, he's just chilling out:

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On my travel I also found this video titled "Girl Fucks For Food While Her Boyfriend Watches". I would hardly call it that. It's more like, "Girls bangs dude next to her boyfriend while he looks away in shame and holds her hand". Sad.

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What I actually meant to post about was more of the type of food play that is called "wet and messy fetishism" (WAM). This is the kind of fetish where people are essentially covered in something like whipped cream, or chocolate, or mud (seems to be a consistency fetish) and get all hot and bothered by it. My only hope is that none of the contestants on any old Nickelodeon game show that were doused in their green slime were into this sort of thing. There are extremely grotesque videos of this out there where people are covered in things like creamed corn, but for my sake and yours, I decided not to use those videos. However, in my post a few days ago about the XXXorcist, there's a bit of WAM in that.

Holly Body in Wet and Messy Big Boobs brought to you by PornHub

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If you're really lame and you're just looking for Aphrodisiacs, here's a lengthy list of some known ones that kind of doesn't leave a whole lot of non-sexual basic foods left:

Vegetables * carrots
* cucumbers
* onions
* asparagus
* artichokes
* radishes
* celery
* tomatoes
* parsnips
* truffles
* mushrooms
* cabbage
* potatoes
Fruits
* mangoes
* pomegranates
* peaches
* strawberries
* avocados
* guavas
* passion fruit
* persimmon
* dates
* figs
* bananas
Nuts (it's alright- I giggled too)
* pine nuts
* pistachios
* coconuts
* chestnuts
* walnuts
* almonds
Herbs and Spices
* cinnamon
* basil
* pepper
* cardamom
* cloves
* chilies
* ginger
* rosemary
* vanilla
* saffron
* fennel
* nutmeg
* mint
* sage
* thyme
* cayenne

No idea who could be turned on by cabbage or cayenne, but to each their own.

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Lastly:
A Guide To Food Penetration. Really.

I'd smurf the smurf outta her

...and so they did smurf her. They smurfed her for 5 minutes.
While not in English, I feel that's hardly necessary.
Even Gargamel got in on the action. I guess she shrunk himself or something...

It's a whole new meaning to blue balls *da-dum-ching*

Bicycle porn

Some months ago, after I sent a friend that World of Whorecraft porn (see post #2) then sent me a video titled Babe Fucking Bedcycle- this video was the main purpose for this post, as it's not quite a bicycle.

Anyway, here I am months later, I couldn't remember the name of it so I looked up bicycle dildo. Naturally there's videos for that too.
Really dudes? That just sounds uncomfortable.

I was under the impression toys were supposed to make this kind of thing easier. This does not look easier.

Wondering how you too can have a dildo-cycle?! Wonder no more! This lady has adorable pictures as to how it works

I realize that toys have come a long way since Sex & The City talked about the Rabbit (never watched the showed, but people came in all the time asking about it). The idea of objects such a the Sybian seemed crazy (or AWESOME) but this just seems as though it isn't worth the effort.

If you're unaware what a sybian is... welp... this Blog is probably warping your mind then. A video of a woman using one may be see here. Or just check out the wiki explanation:

A Sybian (IPA: [ˈsɪbɪən]) is a masturbation device used by women and developed by dance instructor Dave Lampert in the 1980s. It consists of a saddle-like seat containing an electric motor connected to a rod that protrudes from a hole in the center.[1] Various attachments can be added to the rod, which vibrates, rotates and may also stimulate the clitoris externally. The intensity of the movements produced can be increased or decreased through a control box attached to the Sybian's base.

Hell, while I'm here I'll plug (no pun intended) this video titled "Dildo Cart Ride". I'd totally do that, minus the exposed vag and dildo...

Yay! Midget porn!

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Oh grandma, say it ain't so.

Granny tranny porn is probably my favorite. Why? I don't know. Maybe I just really like the name, cause nothing about the concept is appealing to me.

I used to work at an adult store, and when you spent over $50 bucks you got to choose from a stack of porn DVDs. They were all several hours long and just had the ugliest people on the covers. Well, one DVD I could never give away was a granny with a tranny DVD. I tell people all the time I'm going to give them that, or midget porn for their birthday or Christmas.

Well, anyway, I present to you some Granny on Tranny action. While this is not the video we had, it's the best video example I could find without searching for hours on end and making myself sick in the process).

I think the actual video was "Granny Loves a Tranny" which I'm unable to find online without paying.

Image source: http://www.cduniverse.com

Classic odd porn

When the internet was younger, bizarre videos on the internet were less common. There are two that, even as a teenager, stuck out as the weirdest/funniest. Of course, now I've seen a larger variety and realize they're relatively tame, but I will want to dedicate this update to the two videos that have lasted throughout video history (to me anyway). This woman fucks a HUGE blue dildo. So huge, two men had to hold it. I'm pretty sure she even gets off to it.

& Dude with a shaved head stick his head up in a cavernous vag.

Thank you, you sick fucks, for leading the way. =)

As a catholic, I'm not sure I should be watching this.

The synopsis on IMDB:
"In The XXXorcist, after all other exorcism methods fail, Father Merkin has no other option but to screw the hell (and the devil) out of a possessed woman, Regan Teresa MacFeel. Her Mother, Mrs. MacFeel looks on helplessly until she succumbs to the evil and becomes possessed as well. Father Merkin is forced to fight for his life...with his genitals."

So. I found a trailer. You need to register (which sucks, yeah, but the video is hilariously sac-religious). So.... yeah.... I felt kind of bad about watching the trailer. I grew up catholic so I don't even find joy in watching dumb porn with a nun in it. It makes me feel bad....Either way... Tattoo-ed priest banging some possessed girl. For all you folks who wake up at 5am for mass (I woke up at 10:30) this is for you:

The XXXORCIST
Uploaded by vince_suelze. - Get intimate with more sexy videos.

Costumes!

Thank you Bonnye for these suggestions :)

This will by no means be the last costumed porn posted. There's a lot of it out there, and some of it is far more entertaining than others.

Pterodactyl porn

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Now I bring you a twist on a childhood classic: ET Porn. I'm not surprised in the least that this is hosted at efukt.com. I am surprised, however, that the one in costume was the girl. I just figured perhaps other people would be dressed up, or she would be only one not since she's getting screwed.





Image source: fleshbot.com

ET don't bother phoning home. Your mother thinks you're a whore.

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Spider porn! I believe this is also a costumed woman. I don't have much to say because all I have to go on is this picture from Chan4chan.com. If you have a video link please share :)

"Attention all semen enthusiasts!"

Thank you Brandon for sharing this with me. He direct me to: http://cookingwithcum.com/. While there were no recipes listed, it directed me to where I may purchase the book By Fotie Photenhauer.


Image source: http://www.lulu.com

Now, I can't cook, but I think I may learn just so I have an excuse to buy Natural Harvest - A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes. No, I would never eat it. I haven't even gone down on a guy in 4 1/2 years. However, I do know a lot of girls I would not mind stuffing these things into their fat, cock hungry mouths.... ^_^

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Example Recipe:

ALMOST WHITE RUSSIAN

2 oz Vodka
1 oz Coffee liqueur
1/2 oz semen
cream or milk
ice cubes

Pour vodka, semen and coffee liqueur over ice cubes and top up the glass with milk or cream.

MAN MADE OYSTERS

Cleaned oyster shells
Chilled fresh semen, the more the better
Ice
Lemon and pepper garnish

First clean the oyster shells in cold water. Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap. Spoon the chilled, fresh semen into each shell. Serve simply on ice with just a squeeze of fresh lemon and maybe a grind of black pepper.

Chef's note: A true semen connoisseur might forego the lemon and pepper in favor of the non-adulterated semen flavor.

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I also then stumbled upon something that may actually cause me to become at vegetarian: The Testicle Cookbook.


Image Source: http://images.teamsugar.com/

Yes boys, lovingly cradle 'em because you still have them. Apparently it's an e-cookbook. by Ljubomir Erovic, available at YUDU

While I found no recipes, I did find this lovely little youtube link of the chef himself cooking testicle pizza. I hope you weren't hungry.

Black Devil Doll

A local bar here in Austin has about 5 different movies that play on a few different televisions. Some of them comedies, some just tv shows, but there's almost always a horror film, or one of those gore porn movies.

In June I went with a friend for her birthday. It was then we had the privilege to see Black Devil Doll.

What caught our attention was that is was a black puppet fucking women. Eventually he killed them, but the puppet-ness and gallon size money shots from this little guy that kept us watching.

Sorry I don't have any video except the trailer, but as the porn scenes aren't worth find a stream for anyway, you're not missing much.


Image Source: http://blackdevildoll.com

Review: http://www.dreadcentral.com/reviews/black-devil-doll-2009
Trailer: http://www.blackdevildoll.com/unratedtrailer.html

Proof of Man's Greatest Achievement

When I let friends know I was going to create this blog, my friend Rachel (who is now me hero for this very reason) linked me Gimps Gone Wild.

Image source: http://images.encyclopediadramatica.com

Cerebral Palsy, and quadriplegia get you hot and bothered? Well they have it.

...I'm not even sure the guy in the picture has balls. Is it just me? Am I missing something or is he?

For you nerds!

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Why?

I don't write well. In 2009 I discovered I prefer trashy autobiographies to the classics. I have 2 brothers, and 4 step brothers. I used to work at a video game company, surrounded by dudes and dirty humor. I used to sell dildo's for a living. Therefore: I'm a complete perv.

There are a million variations of the same kind of porn, and I expect to find the most amusing. Sure, there's furry porn- but I want to find Ewok furry porn. Why? Well why the hell not. Sure there's animated porn, but I want to find the sickest dickgirl (futanari) crap I can. It's highly amusing.

It's one thing to get down and dirty in front of a camera to share what many would call the most intimate act between two people. It's another to do it with a sick, disgusting style. Many of these were suggested by friends, but that does not mean I will post everything. No one wants to see a girl with a 4 inch clit. Ever. So that will remain off of this site. I also have no plans of posting any fecal matter porn. It's way too gross even for me. Sorry 2girls1cup, but you bitches are entirely too filthy for my tastes.

I feel that it's more appropriate to pick on peoples porn taste than someones body. I may, at some point, find a clip, or image, or a tit so deformed I have to post it. Hell, I already have gimp porn in a post, but that's involves a sick fetish. So some woman has an unusually long (as in it takes up more crotch space than most womens) vag. She can't really control that. That does not qualify for this blog. I want it to be something disturbing people do by choice.

Don't expect well written posts. I'm not here to educate, or show off my thesaurus skills (since I'd need one to sound well read)- I'm here to entertain, deprave, and destroy your mind. Yay!

Uh. Be 18.