Yup. Destroying childhood fairy tales. Porn is great at that. I'm sure I will have many, many more of these, but first: Little Red Riding Hood porn. Technically costumes, because the big bad wolf is in each of these, and he always wears the mask. Way to go lady: Screw the guy who ate your grandmother. There's a little bit of: Girl in woods meets wolf and they get it on. There's more of: Girl buys cheap costume around Halloween and dances in front of dudes with paper masks on in the bedroom. That doesn't cut it for me. Go out in the woods damnit.
Ah sweet. Shemale little red riding hood!
Aaaannnnddddd Little Red Riding Hood Sex Ed. Note: This is not pornographic. Sorry pervs.
A multi-award-winning and darkly hilarious Tarantino-meets-brothers-Grimm-style short film about how the age-old fairy tale is actually all about sex ed.
Five mobsters sit in a diner and pass the time between jobs by talking about the ways of the world. One of them suddenly suggests that the story of "Little Red Riding Hood" is actually a morality tale about sex-education. When the others don't believe him, he retells the story as it was meant to be told.
This movie has been voluntarily rated R-16 for foul language and horror-violence.
No, not that kind of monster dick. I mean like a monsters dick. Many of them. One the same monster. While the movie was available to be embedded, since I'm html retarded I couldn't prevent it from starting immediately, so I'll just link it instead to a page where it *does* start immediately.
I do believe you can hear the director talking a few times, or it's the monster speaking perfectly dirty english.
Ignore StopClownPornNow.org. They suck and I'm pretty sure it's run by feminists. This isn't the 70s you douchebags. Of course the webpage could just be one giant trolling.
Here is on example of clown porn. In fact it's from a movie called Clown Porn.
Image source: Acmoviepass.com
The first scene is your average story of a girl who can't sleep, and when she pulls out her dildo she turns to see clowns in her room. Naturally she invites them to sleep with her and says she'll only scream when she's cumming - cue the funk music! The only realistic thing about this video are the guys dicks. I think they're kind of... un-girthy for porn, but completely normal for any guy. Their make up even comes off a bit on her body. My favorite part is the rubber chicken making an appearance for "chicken cam", and the guy in the rainbow wig giving the camera a thumbs up. Don't forget about the grand finale hot cream on her face, and no, I'm not talking about the money shot. I skipped through the rest of it.
Here's movie in it's entirety, almost 90 minutes long.
What a disappointment. I'm clearly all about weird costume porn concepts, and this was a let down. I don't know what I was expecting, but the video is so tame the only real "sex" part reveals her butt, and lasts less than 5 minutes. Towards the end of the 15 minute waste of film, after Bigfoot is finished with the woman, and after he friends *then* try to ward him off, you can see a distance shot of boobs and hairy snatch (gotta lot 70s porn) but the film quality is such crap it doesn't matter.
And to save you from going to big foot porn I'll just say this: The website has one picture. One. Here it is:
Image source: Themountaincabin.wordpress.com
No, I cannot get it to show more than that. I've saved you time and possibly having to explain to your roommates/mother why you were at that website to begin with. You're welcome.
Now we have Ape Canyon. More Bigfoot sex. Basically a rape comedy, and who doesn't love those, right?! Although I hardly feel it's rape since the woman seems to enjoy it. She even reads him poetry, or some bullcrap. In the trailer she sounds pretty into it, so that's a plus. I would totally watch this with some friends, a 24 pack, and some pizza if we were having a bad movie marathon, which I've done before. Anyway, here's the trailer:
All in all, despite being costumed, I've decided Bigfoot porn just isn't worth it as far as dirty movies go. I'd hardly even call it "furry porn".
About a year ago a guy I was dating had roommates who were really into True Blood. When I was younger I saw the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie, but that was really the extent of my vampire plot watching. Well said roommates gave me season 2, but I'd never seen season 1 so I downloaded it. It's been sitting on my computer this whole time, and I don't like to delete videos without watching them. Long story longer, yesterday I finished up True Blood season 1. Therefore, this morning I thought, "There's GOT to be vampire porn. Vampire shows are all about blood and sex and love and all sorts of creepy people are into that stuff.
By the way, don't get me started on the fact the Rogue from the Xmen movies are getting naked on tv. I can't wrap my head around it.
I don't think I can properly discuss vampire porn with plugging Vampire Erotica.
That site has links to movies you can purchase, most of which seem to be parodies on real movies/shows (as the porn industry does so often). One title that caught my mind was... wait for it... Ejacula!! I was then determined to find a stream of this online!
Not without paying for it though. The title is probably the only good part.
Did anyone avidly watch Friends when they were younger? Do you recall Phoebe Bufee's twin sister being in a porno called "Bufee the Vampire Layer"? It does not come as a surprise that there is a porno with a similar name.
Muffy The Vampire Layer Complete with plot, bad acting, and low budget, horray! (Try as I might, I just couldn't get it to embed correctly).
Searching "food porn" will bring up food that looks so good it may as well be orgasmic.
Image source: Foodporn.com
Sure, food is great, but this isn't a food blog fatties... despite the previous post about Cooking with Sperm, or the Testicle Cookbook...
Then I tried "Sex With Food". Well that was certainly foolish. For a split second I completely forgot that any edible item even slightly phallic shaped had been a vagina or asshole somewhere. While I was looking for something more disturbing, I'll bring up this Sex With Food anyway. Guys- what do you do with a pickle after your girlfriend has wriggled that thing raw? Throw it away? Well then you're just wasting food, and why the fuck couldn't you do the same thing with your dick, dildo, fingers, fist, or forearm? (if you can go deeper than that with an unlisted body part, please let me know).
There's a lot of these videos out here, but I just chose one at random for the sake of having an example. Pay no attention to the the dog in the background, he's just chilling out:
On my travel I also found this video titled "Girl Fucks For Food While Her Boyfriend Watches". I would hardly call it that. It's more like, "Girls bangs dude next to her boyfriend while he looks away in shame and holds her hand". Sad.
What I actually meant to post about was more of the type of food play that is called "wet and messy fetishism" (WAM). This is the kind of fetish where people are essentially covered in something like whipped cream, or chocolate, or mud (seems to be a consistency fetish) and get all hot and bothered by it. My only hope is that none of the contestants on any old Nickelodeon game show that were doused in their green slime were into this sort of thing. There are extremely grotesque videos of this out there where people are covered in things like creamed corn, but for my sake and yours, I decided not to use those videos. However, in my post a few days ago about the XXXorcist, there's a bit of WAM in that.
If you're really lame and you're just looking for Aphrodisiacs, here's a lengthy list of some known ones that kind of doesn't leave a whole lot of non-sexual basic foods left:
...and so they did smurf her. They smurfed her for 5 minutes.
While not in English, I feel that's hardly necessary.
Even Gargamel got in on the action. I guess she shrunk himself or something...
It's a whole new meaning to blue balls *da-dum-ching*
Some months ago, after I sent a friend that World of Whorecraft porn (see post #2) then sent me a video titled Babe Fucking Bedcycle- this video was the main purpose for this post, as it's not quite a bicycle.
Anyway, here I am months later, I couldn't remember the name of it so I looked up bicycle dildo. Naturally there's videos for that too.
Really dudes? That just sounds uncomfortable.
I was under the impression toys were supposed to make this kind of thing easier. This does not look easier.
I realize that toys have come a long way since Sex & The City talked about the Rabbit (never watched the showed, but people came in all the time asking about it). The idea of objects such a the Sybian seemed crazy (or AWESOME) but this just seems as though it isn't worth the effort.
If you're unaware what a sybian is... welp... this Blog is probably warping your mind then. A video of a woman using one may be see here. Or just check out the wiki explanation:
A Sybian (IPA: [ˈsɪbɪən]) is a masturbation device used by women and developed by dance instructor Dave Lampert in the 1980s. It consists of a saddle-like seat containing an electric motor connected to a rod that protrudes from a hole in the center.[1] Various attachments can be added to the rod, which vibrates, rotates and may also stimulate the clitoris externally. The intensity of the movements produced can be increased or decreased through a control box attached to the Sybian's base.
Hell, while I'm here I'll plug (no pun intended) this video titled "Dildo Cart Ride". I'd totally do that, minus the exposed vag and dildo...
Granny tranny porn is probably my favorite. Why? I don't know. Maybe I just really like the name, cause nothing about the concept is appealing to me.
I used to work at an adult store, and when you spent over $50 bucks you got to choose from a stack of porn DVDs. They were all several hours long and just had the ugliest people on the covers. Well, one DVD I could never give away was a granny with a tranny DVD. I tell people all the time I'm going to give them that, or midget porn for their birthday or Christmas.
Well, anyway, I present to you some Granny on Tranny action. While this is not the video we had, it's the best video example I could find without searching for hours on end and making myself sick in the process).
I think the actual video was "Granny Loves a Tranny" which I'm unable to find online without paying.
